I'm so stupid sometimes I scare myself It makes me ever more aware of the reality that we are all so deeply flawed and that most of our characteristic traits are inherent and cannot be unlearned no matter how hard we try. I guess the best I can do is accept it and not try and hide it like everyone else - that really annoys me, when people try to be something they're not. This can take the form of pretense or being over-egoistical... they're both things that shit me up the wall.

I feel like people should be what they are and I kind of agree with Rob's theory that with the people that matter, I really honestly want to make it work. So when people aren't all there with me I feel as though that they're more important to me than I am to them.

Then I get self-destructive and go about breaking off relationships because I feel like they don't need me and I don't want to impose on other people. That's something I'm terrified of being, clingy, and I don't even want to be the person people talk about as annoying behind my back but act like they love me when I'm there. I'd rather they just tell me to fuck off and save me time and energy.

Thinking about how good I've become at cutting people out of my life just makes me realise how headstrong I am and how afraid I am of being vulnerable. I think once I make up my mind it takes a lot to change it and rarely do I ever regret something and actually do something about it. Like try and mend things.

Maybe I like things to go out with a bang, maybe I'm mad for explosions. I guess I like closure and I'm constantly trying to over-simplify things, even though I know that nothing is that clear-cut and easy. I just want things to be okay so badly, at all costs, I just don't want to get hurt.

But that's inevitable, isn't it? We all get hurt sometimes, although it really seems like I get myself into scrapes a lot more than other people. Every time in the last couple of years where I've decided to put myself on the line, to take a risk, it's always ended in disaster and I've regretted everything I've done. It's not called common sense for nothing, we should all (hopefully) have it - it's there to be utilised. I know how much of an idiot I am to let things like that happen, so I'm going to try my best not to do it again.

I don't think I ever want to risk anything again. It's gotten to the point where it's just ridiculous. I'm tired of putting effort into things to try and make them work when I know I should have given up a long time ago. Like Kim said, I just have to accept when to give up and know that I can't change things or other people (thanks, Kim).

Just going to try and balance everything I have right now and not take on anything else that might throw this out of order. I'm not sure how much more detached I can be, because I'm frequently already called 'cold' and 'detached' a lot, but I guess where I've been too open with some people, it's got to be closed up and they've got to work for it. I don't think I'm ever going to trust easily again. You can't predict how anything will go, so I'd rather stay out of it and not get hurt.

I know people read this, even if they don't comment, so I'm just going to add something: If you've got some stupid offensive comment, keep it to yourself. I need a place to ramble and clear my thoughts and sort them so they become coherent and I don't need someone who barely even knows me trying to tell me what to do. I'm sick of being bossed around and just doing it to keep the peace - I will shove it back down your throat with the force of 6 gale-force tornadoes.

In addition, I hate people who leave stuff like "nice! can u comment me bak?" on my work - I WILL NOT COMMENT YOU BACK. GO BACK TO MYSPACE. This is a site for art appreciation - if your work is good enough, you don't need to whore yourself out for it. It's a lame and pathetic attempt to make yourself feel loved and popular because you have no friends in real life.

I wish the weather was nicer so I could go on night walks again - it's just too cold to get out of bed. I want to sit on a nice patch of grass where the sun is shining and have a picnic Simple things make me happy. Caity and Megan and Wally and Kim - we need to have another picnic... although we might be hard pressed finding time and a place that we won't freeze to death right now. But we must... we can have it in a heated room with fake grass lmao.

That is all. I'm going to have a shower.